who am i?


Anjelle
Complicated

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Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Writing Update

I wrote. I just couldn't log in at the time, so it's scrambled together in Notepad. Not really worth copy-pasting here. Still. I did it.

I miss writing.

Friday, August 08, 2014
Here We Go...

My writing has fallen by the wayside, along with most of my other creative outlets. I really need to pick it back up. That in mind, I am going to try to do one writing per week. Most of them will probably be from prompts. Starting now.

Prompt #113
"Today I will..."

Today, I will look at myself in the mirror, and really see me.
Today, I will listen to my child with my full attention.
Today, I will give my partner more than a peck.
Today, I will hug someone with my heart, because we both need it.
Today, I will stand tall.
Today, I will be mindful of the moment.
Today, I will put down my phone.
Today, I will log off.
Today, I will be present.
Today, I will reach out to a friend.
Today, I will express myself.
Today, I will take a risk.

Today, I will be more of me than yesterday. I will set aside my bad habits, and learn new ones. I will not let the stress win. My stubbornness will be a strength, instead of a weakness, and I will give in when appropriate. I will not hang on to the past. I will not beat myself up over mistakes. I will take criticism and praise with equal grace.

Today, I will live.

Sunday, January 19, 2014
Befuddlement

My best friend just told me that she loves me. Well, let me put that differently. We have exchanged "I love you"s for months. That's part of being friends with me. I love people. What she revealed is that she loves me as more than a friend. A straight, monogamously married woman is in love with me. What do I do with that? She told me, and I have been sitting on it, unsure how to even begin to process the idea. Normally... Normally, this wouldn't really phase me. My criteria for dating are basically the same as for a close friend. (Physical attraction may be a sticking point, in theory, but I've yet to be close emotionally with someone I wasn't attracted to.) Yet this throws me for a loop. Not because I can't reciprocate, but because I drew such a solid line. Do not cross. Now I'm not sure what to do with that line. The pragmatic part of me says nothing. I do nothing, because she is still monogamously married, and a "maybe, someday" does not merit current action. I respect her husband, and her marriage, and I would not want to mess that up for her. If I were a friend advising her on how to swim these waters, I would tell her to wait. Talk to him, be patient with him, and wait. As her friend, I do nothing. The emotional part of me says there must be something I should be doing. I love this woman, I don't want to leave her unsure. I want her to know that I am here for her, whether that is as a friend or someday something else. No matter what. The emotional part wants to hold her, and kiss her, and thank her for being brave enough to open up about her feelings. The answer, I'm sure, lies somewhere between. But where? What do I do? What do I say? For now, I mostly don't think about it in her presence. To think about it would cause awkwardness, and that was one of her fears in the first place. Still, it deserves thought. So here I am. Thinking. And still at a loss.

Posted at 09:55 pm by Anjelle
Illuminate

Wednesday, July 24, 2013
I want to be

I don't think I'm a very good friend.

Don't get me wrong, I'll be there for you when you need me. If I can do something for you, it's available for the asking. Even if all you need me to do is listen. (Though sometimes I have trouble keeping my "helpful" advice to myself, I hope it isn't so often that you can't talk to me. ...Please, someone, tell me if I need to shut up. Oh god.)

But...

I suck at keeping in touch. It's not that I don't want to talk to you. I do. I just always think of it at the most inopportune times. My battery just died. It's after midnight. I'm in the middle of a date. Or sex. My kids are being rowdy or needy. My hands are covered in whatever I'm cooking. By the time I can call, or write, or text, my mind has wandered to other things.

I miss you. I do. I'm just terrible at this.

I don't know how it happens, but my calendar fills up and we never get together. What am I even doing with all this time?! You ask me, and I say there's nothing new, and I don't even know if it's true because I can't remember what was going on the last time we talked.

And...

I suck at talking about myself. I sort of suck at thinking about myself, unless I get depressed, and then... Well, I don't think anyone wants to hear that crap. Maybe I don't think anyone wants to hear any of my crap. I'm not that interesting. (And how odd, because you wanted to be my friend in the first place, right? ...Right? Oh, hell, I'm never sure whether this is mutual.)

Sometimes when I try to talk about myself, I end up feeling vain. It's not all about me, after all. You just went through/are going through/might be going through something major. Does it really matter what I did yesterday? Especially when all I did was stay home with the kids.

I trust you. I do. I just don't know whether it's important or not. We haven't really talked since... Well, I'm not sure.

Time gets away from me. Life gets away from me.

Sometimes I'm not even sure I have friends. Maybe I just have acquaintances that I'd like to be friends with. If I were any good at it.


Monday, March 11, 2013
Sun Reflects on the Puddles

I was embarassed to find myself crying.

I had wanted a bath. After filling the tub on the hottest setting, the water was only just warm. I tried to relax anyway, but it wasn't happening. I got out, sat on the bed, and tried to control myself. I knew it was a silly thing to fight tears over. I just had to wait an hour for the water heater to do it's thing. Knowing didn't help. I was trying to reason with myself, when He came in.

I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't what happened. He sat down on the bed with me, and I tried to hide my tears. I know I shouldn't hide from him. Shame is a compelling thing. It didn't much matter, anyway. As soon as he asked me what was wrong, my self-control snapped, and I was curled up, sobbing into my pillow.

He rubbed my back. He reassured me that it would be ok. He apologized for using more hot water than he thought on the dishes. He listened to what was wrong, and didn't try to "fix" me. He just let me cry. And I felt better for it.

Later, he ran a hot bath for me, even though we were short on time.

Spring is a crazy time for me. I'm a very seasonal person -- busy and social in summer, wanting to hibernate at home in winter. Spring is the hardest. I feel irritable most of the time. I vascillate between histerical laughter, irrational tears, and frustrated anger. Sometimes more than one conflicting emotion at time. Anything can set me off.

It's hard for a partner to deal with, and I know it. When anything can set me off, you have to assume that the things and people I am exposed to the most are going to set me off the most. That definitely holds true. I control it as best I can, but there is only so much that I can do. I delay from making any important life decisions in spring.

This man stands by me with grace, through my hardest times. He sticks with me when I can't remember anything good. He reminds me that he will still be here even if I hate it. That he will make it better, even when it's irrational. He loves me when I need it the most. When I don't want it.

I was embarassed to be sobbing over a cold bath. I am grateful that my life right now is so blessed that a cold bath is all I could find to be upset about.

Thank you, Love.

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