I've taken the first step out of my misery, and it is this: I am not done with him.
The things I said, the ideas I expressed, none of it was with the intention of being done with him. Somehow I forgot that in the aftermath.
It was pointed out to me last night, and while I acknowledged it as a thought I already new, it was also fresh. Fresh like the morning sun, after spending a too-long night deep in a cavern. Fresh like skin after showering away the grime of a tough day.
He may be done with me. That is the hard part yet to come. But for now... For now I have taken the first step, and that is enough.
Today is a fresh, new day, and I will make the most of it.
Can't think. Here's more lyrics. Robert Downey Jr this time.
In love with a broken heart You fell in love with a broken heart
Love in these modern times There'll be someone new every night With some other love yarn To wrap my harms around No one else can understand (Hold me) I can't hear you (Trust me) not about you
In love with a broken heart Think I leave today, I cover it all this way You fell in love with a broken heart Every earthly breath, a lifeless testimony In love with a broken heart (Don't you know)
Love in these modern times I'll become what your first class said I'm no light weight, I'll find time to throw us down You'd feel my medicine's side effect Fink I'll grab some magazine (I know you) never seen me (promised you) you believed me?
In love with a broken heart -think I leave today, I cover it all this way- You fell in love with a broken heart -every earthly breath, a lifeless testimony- You fell in love with a broken heart -another lifeless testimony (and it shows)
Oh please machine, let's keep this terminal clean I'll see your face in every cloud Down a Dewar's laugh out loud Fly girl shouts to keep it down Paddy's wagon draws a crowd
(Save your days) I don't save days (Any way) I think...leave days
God grant me the strength to accept the things I can change And change them (just for the last time)
(Show me) I cant miss you
In love with a broken heart Face in every cloud, makes me laugh out loud- You fell in love with a broken heart Shouts to keep it down, wagon draws a crowd- In love with a broken heart (Don't you know) Lifeless testimony
You fell in love with a broken heart (And it shows) Lifeless testimony
In love with a broken heart In these modern times, what your first class said, Time to throw us down, medicine's side effects
I was logged into one of the various social networking sites that I belong to. I am a member there of a group, and one of the other members asked a question that I think is very appropriate to what I am going through. So I am posting my response here, along with a quote that is perhaps less relevant, but still entirely true. The question was regarding what a Daddy or being a Daddy means to us.
What is a Daddy to me? Daddy is Love. Discipline, guidance, education, consistancy, play, caring, and a million other things, but above all he is Love. He is someone that puts me first, not because I demand it, but because I am precious to him. Someone I can lean on, who will be there no matter what it takes. He is part of what shapes me, the voice in my head.
He is the one that all other males are forever compared to -- and they will always be found lacking. He protects me from the boogey men, and helps me to be strong enough to protect myself. Daddy looks out for my best interests. He gives me good advice, even when I sometimes don't want to hear it. He is an Authority, but he is also my best friend.
And I? I am proud to be a Daddy's girl. Proud to give back to him all the care and worship that he dotes on me. But I suppose you didn't ask what I expect I am to him, did you.
(I am also slave and slut, but that is about him as a Man, not about him as Daddy, so we'll leave out those details.)
And the quote that I love:
"Age play is a play like any other play; knife play, wax play, needle play, age play. BEING a daddy isn't ever about the play. It's about who you are and what you see possible when you look into the eyes of a little girl that swears you hung the moon"
You know, this sucks the most because he is still the one I want. I love him. I care about him. I want him. I think he is the sexiest man on the planet. I worship him. I enjoy spending time with him. I like snuggling with him, in bed, or anywhere else. I like hanging out with him, playing cribbage. I like his friends.
He has the most beautiful heart and soul that I have ever seen.
But they're broken. And he's not ready to fix them.
I love you, Daddy. I love you, K. I will always be yours.
I just can't be committed to someone that isn't committed to me.