who am i?


Anjelle
Complicated

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Things I Write About
Processing
Quickie
Emotional
Events
Hubby
State of Mind
Love
K
Joy
Family
Something Silly
Blog Notes
BDSM
Friends
Lass
Bratling
Jae
Creative Writing
Tarot
P.vert
Arts & Crafts
Pagan/Witchery
Little
Monkey Love
History
Slowing Down
Poly

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designed by: els
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Artwork Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

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Monday, August 30, 2010
Sad

I haven't written here in a while. I haven't had much to say. But now, I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling to anyone.

Even though breaking it off with Monkey was my decision -- and I have good reasons for having done so -- it hurts. I miss the good times we had. I miss the connection. I miss him, when he was happy. I find dishes he put away differently than I do, or a craft I was making for him, and the wound opens again.

Now he just thinks I'm a monster. An evil bitch. I know that I'm not, but gods, it hurts to see someone I love react to me that way. It's hard to see him in such turmoil, and know that I'm part of the cause. I want to comfort him, but it's no longer within my abilities.

Posted at 03:01 pm by Anjelle
Illuminate

Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Comfort

Sometimes it's as simple as sliding out of his arms, and down to my knees. Sometimes it takes being further down, resting my cheek against his calf. It's a good place.

Thursday, June 03, 2010
Insecurity

I'm pretty sure that I'm going to hurt people if I write here. No matter what I write, someone is going to be left out. If I write about everyone in one entry, then everyone feels I'm writing more about someone else. It's awesome.

So... I'm not writing. Because I can't win.

(The stupid thing is, if I didn't feel pressured to write about someone, I probably would have done it already.)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I Swear (Lyrics)

I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky
and I swear like the shadow that's by your side

I see the questions in your eyes
I know what's weighing on your mind
You can be sure I know my part
Cause I'll stand beside you through the years
You'll only cry those happy tears
And though I make mistakes
I'll never break your heart

Chorus
And I swear by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there
I swear like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there
For better or worse
Till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear

I'll give you every thing I can
I'll build your dreams with these two hands
We'll hang some memories on the wall
And when just the two of us are there
You won't have to ask if I still care
Cause as time turns the page
My love won't age at all

And I swear by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there
I swear like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there

For better or worse
Till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear

And I swear by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there
I swear like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there

For better or worse
Till death do us part I'll love you
With every single beat of my heart
I swear

I love you. From now until forever.

Posted at 04:03 pm by Anjelle
Illuminate

Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Lessons

I haven't really had a lot to say, lately. I've been doing a lot of learning.

I've been dating a boy for over a month now, and he is becoming part of the family here. For the purposes of this blog, we'll call him 'Monkey.' Monkey is submissive, and after my last experience, I had a lot of concerns about whether I would be able to handle that or not. (It's very difficult for me to look at how that relationship failed and not view it as my failure. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't in control enough. I wasn't patient enough. I didn't understand her needs enough. You get the picture.)

I needn't have worried. Monkey is exactly what I work best with in a submissive partner. Ironically, he has the qualities that I was looking for in a female lover. He's playful, shy, silly, child-like, willing to work, vulnerable, sweet, emotionally and spiritually open, and a list of other things that I never thought I'd find in a man. Whatever whim of fate caused me to contact him in the first place, I am grateful for it.

I'm learning from Monkey. He shows me what it feels like to be trusted completely. I've learned that the slightest changes in body language can have a big impact. Interacting with him has taught me how to be a better submissive for Hubby. I can see more completely the amount of patience and self control that Hubby must have with me.

I'm learning from Hubby, too. He shows me how to take everyone's needs into account and make the best decision possible. His advice and opinions have made all the difference in my world. I quite honestly could not do this without him. He has experience that I don't have, and Monkey is similar enough to me that the experience is relevant more often than not.

Communication has flourished. Open, honest conversation is getting easier. I'm learning more about what triggers my defensive reactions. To some extent, those triggers are being avoided. More importantly, though, I'm recognizing what's going on earlier and pulling myself out of that rut. I'm not blocking my emotions, as I would have once. I am acknowledging how I feel without letting it rule my behavior.

I don't know for sure what the future holds. I do know that my dreams are closer than ever. And these lessons are the foundation for making a reality I couldn't have imagined.

Posted at 02:34 pm by Anjelle
Illuminate

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