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Anjelle
Complicated

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Blue Confusion - from blogskins
Artwork Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

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Thursday, July 09, 2009
Curiouser and Curiouser

Sometimes things happen for which you must simply accept that there is no explanation.

Such as my half-empty bottle of conditioner -- normally seen only in the shower -- appearing on the bedroom dresser overnight.

No one recalls moving it. It wasn't there when we went to bed. Yet, sure enough, there it was on top of my glasses where I couldn't miss it.

Do you suppose the fairies were trying to remind me to condition my hair this morning?

Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Sometimes It Doesn't Work

I don't know if this is true for everyone, but it is true for me.

There comes a point where trust is broken beyond reasonable repair. Not that it could not be regained -- and in the experience I had recently, it very nearly was -- but that the method of regaining is so far beyond what can be expected of even the most patient and dedicated human.

It isn't that I can't forgive for what has passed. I have. I hold no resentment for the mistakes made. I know I made my own.

It is simply that I have learned through experience that X person cannot be trusted with Y. Probably what I have learned is no longer true, for people evolve and grow constantly. Still, I have learned it, and unlearning is too difficult for everyone involved.

It hurts to acknowledge. Not only the person hoping for trust, but it hurts me, too. I want to trust the people that I love. I want them actively in my life. I want to talk with them, and spend time with them, and laugh and be worry free.

Sometimes... It hurts more to keep trying and failing, than it does to be honest with myself.

Friday, July 03, 2009
Thunder and Light

Our words are getting better. I am getting better at saying mine. Speaking calmly when something hurts my feelings, and remembering that what was done or said was not likely meant to hurt. He is getting better at not taking my hurt personally. He is also speaking his own words.

The Hubby and I fight. Less now than once, but plenty enough. It's usually the result of miscommunication. One or both of us get hurt feelings over something, and we escalate instead of talking calmly. I guess this is normal, whatever that means. Eventually, we find the right words, and the tension ends.

We are remembering to say the good things, as well as the bad. I'm not sure I can really explain how much of a difference that makes.

I don't feel unwanted when there isn't time. He tells me every day how much he wants me. He says clearly that he needs me. And he shows me. With kisses and hugs, with snuggles in bed, or petting my hair. There are less times that I feel he is distracted when we are together. I know that when we aren't together, he is thinking of me. All the time.

It feels good.

It feels good to be open to him emotionally. I'm not usually one to give freely of my weakness, but it's getting easier. It helps that he needs it from me. He tells me how he likes it.

We have our rough moments. But it's more noise and less substance. The good moments are growing. We are two trees in the sun, twisting together into one.


Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Blessings

I have everything I wanted. Someone once told me that I couldn't have it. That I was setting myself up to fail by looking for it.

I wanted something more than multiple partners. I wanted a Husband -- a man who was dominant and sweet, a Daddy type, someone who would control me and help me be a better me. I wanted a girlfriend -- someone I could laugh with, and giggle, and make beautiful girly love with. What's more, I wanted those two aspects to meld with each other. I wanted a relationship that was inclusive of all three of us, not simply allowing for me to have other partners outside of the 'primary' partner.

This desire didn't stop me from dating outside of those ideals. It simply kept me searching.

I've stopped searching.

A week ago, we asked the Bratling to move in to our home. She accepted, of course. It just feels so good and right to have her there. Finding places for all the 'stuff' is a pain, but it's no trouble at all to know that her place is with us.

I can only hope that it makes her as happy as it makes me.

She wasn't home last night, and everything felt odd. Dinner without her was odd. When I crawled into bed and cuddled up to Hubby, it felt strangely empty not having her there on my other side. Hubby got up in the morning, and I didn't have my sweet sugar doll to hold on to while I waited for the alarm clock. I missed her so much.

I am so blessed to have her in my life. I have two partners to love, and cherish, and share with. I can't tell you just how fulfilling that is.

Posted at 02:38 pm by Anjelle
Illuminate

Monday, June 29, 2009
We Belong

You may have noticed that I very rarely post lyrics. Sometimes, though, something just catches me at the right time and state of mind. Like this one from Pat Benatar. (And who doesn't love her, right?)

Many times I've tried to tell you
Many times I've cried alone
Always I'm surprised how well you
Cut my feelings to the bone

Don't want to leave you really
I've invested too much time
To give you up that easy
To the doubts that complicate your mind

Chorus:

We Belong to the light
We Belong to the thunder
We Belong to the sound of the words
We've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace
For worse or for better
We Belong, We Belong
We Belong together

Maybe it's a sign of weakness
When I don't know what to say
Maybe I just wouldn't know
What to do with my strength anyway
Have we become a habit
Do we distort the facts
Now there's no looking forward
Now there's no turning back
When you say

We Belong to the light
We Belong to the thunder
We Belong to the sound of the words
We've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace
For worse or for better
We Belong, We Belong
We Belong together

Close your eyes and try to sleep now
Close your eyes and try to dream
Clear your mind and do your best
To try and wash the palette clean
We can't begin to know it
How much we really care
I hear your voice inside me
I see your face everywhere
Still you say

We Belong to the light
We Belong to the thunder
We Belong to the sound of the words
We've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace
For worse or for better
We Belong, We Belong
We Belong together

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