who am i?


Anjelle
Complicated

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Artwork Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

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Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Blessings

I have everything I wanted. Someone once told me that I couldn't have it. That I was setting myself up to fail by looking for it.

I wanted something more than multiple partners. I wanted a Husband -- a man who was dominant and sweet, a Daddy type, someone who would control me and help me be a better me. I wanted a girlfriend -- someone I could laugh with, and giggle, and make beautiful girly love with. What's more, I wanted those two aspects to meld with each other. I wanted a relationship that was inclusive of all three of us, not simply allowing for me to have other partners outside of the 'primary' partner.

This desire didn't stop me from dating outside of those ideals. It simply kept me searching.

I've stopped searching.

A week ago, we asked the Bratling to move in to our home. She accepted, of course. It just feels so good and right to have her there. Finding places for all the 'stuff' is a pain, but it's no trouble at all to know that her place is with us.

I can only hope that it makes her as happy as it makes me.

She wasn't home last night, and everything felt odd. Dinner without her was odd. When I crawled into bed and cuddled up to Hubby, it felt strangely empty not having her there on my other side. Hubby got up in the morning, and I didn't have my sweet sugar doll to hold on to while I waited for the alarm clock. I missed her so much.

I am so blessed to have her in my life. I have two partners to love, and cherish, and share with. I can't tell you just how fulfilling that is.

Posted at 02:38 pm by Anjelle
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Monday, June 29, 2009
We Belong

You may have noticed that I very rarely post lyrics. Sometimes, though, something just catches me at the right time and state of mind. Like this one from Pat Benatar. (And who doesn't love her, right?)

Many times I've tried to tell you
Many times I've cried alone
Always I'm surprised how well you
Cut my feelings to the bone

Don't want to leave you really
I've invested too much time
To give you up that easy
To the doubts that complicate your mind

Chorus:

We Belong to the light
We Belong to the thunder
We Belong to the sound of the words
We've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace
For worse or for better
We Belong, We Belong
We Belong together

Maybe it's a sign of weakness
When I don't know what to say
Maybe I just wouldn't know
What to do with my strength anyway
Have we become a habit
Do we distort the facts
Now there's no looking forward
Now there's no turning back
When you say

We Belong to the light
We Belong to the thunder
We Belong to the sound of the words
We've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace
For worse or for better
We Belong, We Belong
We Belong together

Close your eyes and try to sleep now
Close your eyes and try to dream
Clear your mind and do your best
To try and wash the palette clean
We can't begin to know it
How much we really care
I hear your voice inside me
I see your face everywhere
Still you say

We Belong to the light
We Belong to the thunder
We Belong to the sound of the words
We've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace
For worse or for better
We Belong, We Belong
We Belong together

Tuesday, June 23, 2009
I've Been Quiet

Hubby and I took a four day weekend. We spent two nights at the coast, enjoying each others company.

Mostly we spent time looking out the window over the beach. Watching the waves. We took long walks late at night. We browsed some shops. We talked.

When we got home, it was Solstice day. The Bratling came to visit, and we had a fire in the back yard. Mister No stayed up late that night, munching on marshmallows and playing in the dark.

Yesterday -- once we all woke up -- I finally trimmed up my cherry tree. The poor thing was far overdue, and though it now looks naked to me, it looks much better. My tree feels much happier. Bratling helped a little with that, but mostly because she's taller than I.

Over the weekend, and the few days before, Hubby and I did a lot of talking. We talked about some things that may lead to some big changes in our current situation. Good changes, I think. Really good.

I'm lucky to have a man that I can talk to.

Thursday, June 18, 2009
Toward the Sun

I'm not sure how to say this... I'll put it the best that I can.

I will not settle. I will not lay back and take what is given to me if it is less than what I need or want. It won't happen.

That means something different than it once might have. Once, it would have meant that when things got too tough, or my demands weren't being met soon enough for my liking... I would have walked away.

Isn't that another kind of settling, though? Walking away from D is settling for being alone, rather than fighting for what I really want. I want my marriage. I want my husband. The only things keeping me from that are the fears and doubts that I carry with me. Most of them have nothing to do with him, and are based on my experiences before he even came along.

I'm not letting fear win. I'm not letting doubt keep me from everything I've ever wanted.

I've been working hard at getting myself to a place where that won't happen. It's amazing to realize that the biggest thing holding me back is simply myself. I have even had a quote up at work, where I will see it every single day.

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -- Vincent van Gogh

Commitment. I would never have admitted to it before -- and this is because I truly did not believe it -- but all this time I have lacked commitment. In the back of my mind was always the thought that if it didn't work out, I could leave. Well, I've proven that I can. It's possible. It's not what I want. I never want to be apart from Hubby ever again. Leave? No. I don't think so. Not willingly.

When things aren't working out, I look at myself. What am I doing? What could I try to make it work better? Have I actually voiced my needs? If so, was I clear about it? Is the answer 'no, never' or is it just 'no' right now? If I ask later, or in a different way, will it be different? Am I forgetting something important?

It's never just him. It's not just me, either, but there's only one of us that I can fix. And, usually, if I fix myself then he can fix himself and not be so caught up on fixing me that nothing gets done. We have to be selfish together. It's a fine line between being selfish as one, and being selfish alone.

We are not perfect. We're learning.

Growing. Together.

Posted at 03:25 pm by Anjelle
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Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Home

We recently worked out an exchange with the Bratling. She comes over about once a week to visit & stays the night. It's nice to have somewhat regular time with her. Last week, we dug up the spare key for her.

After she drives me to work in the morning, she goes back to the house and does some cleaning. It's nice to have the extra hands. D and I seem to have a hard time keeping up with everything. So we get something that helps us out, and she gets something she wants, too.

I have to say... I really like the idea of her being there. In my home. Not far, far away, but just right there.

It makes me happy.

Posted at 10:52 am by Anjelle
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