Hubby and I took a four day weekend. We spent two nights at the coast, enjoying each others company.
Mostly we spent time looking out the window over the beach. Watching the waves. We took long walks late at night. We browsed some shops. We talked.
When we got home, it was Solstice day. The Bratling came to visit, and we had a fire in the back yard. Mister No stayed up late that night, munching on marshmallows and playing in the dark.
Yesterday -- once we all woke up -- I finally trimmed up my cherry tree. The poor thing was far overdue, and though it now looks naked to me, it looks much better. My tree feels much happier. Bratling helped a little with that, but mostly because she's taller than I.
Over the weekend, and the few days before, Hubby and I did a lot of talking. We talked about some things that may lead to some big changes in our current situation. Good changes, I think. Really good.
I'm not sure how to say this... I'll put it the best that I can.
I will not settle. I will not lay back and take what is given to me if it is less than what I need or want. It won't happen.
That means something different than it once might have. Once, it would have meant that when things got too tough, or my demands weren't being met soon enough for my liking... I would have walked away.
Isn't that another kind of settling, though? Walking away from D is settling for being alone, rather than fighting for what I really want. I want my marriage. I want my husband. The only things keeping me from that are the fears and doubts that I carry with me. Most of them have nothing to do with him, and are based on my experiences before he even came along.
I'm not letting fear win. I'm not letting doubt keep me from everything I've ever wanted.
I've been working hard at getting myself to a place where that won't happen. It's amazing to realize that the biggest thing holding me back is simply myself. I have even had a quote up at work, where I will see it every single day.
"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -- Vincent van Gogh
Commitment. I would never have admitted to it before -- and this is because I truly did not believe it -- but all this time I have lacked commitment. In the back of my mind was always the thought that if it didn't work out, I could leave. Well, I've proven that I can. It's possible. It's not what I want. I never want to be apart from Hubby ever again. Leave? No. I don't think so. Not willingly.
When things aren't working out, I look at myself. What am I doing? What could I try to make it work better? Have I actually voiced my needs? If so, was I clear about it? Is the answer 'no, never' or is it just 'no' right now? If I ask later, or in a different way, will it be different? Am I forgetting something important?
It's never just him. It's not just me, either, but there's only one of us that I can fix. And, usually, if I fix myself then he can fix himself and not be so caught up on fixing me that nothing gets done. We have to be selfish together. It's a fine line between being selfish as one, and being selfish alone.
We recently worked out an exchange with the Bratling. She comes over about once a week to visit & stays the night. It's nice to have somewhat regular time with her. Last week, we dug up the spare key for her.
After she drives me to work in the morning, she goes back to the house and does some cleaning. It's nice to have the extra hands. D and I seem to have a hard time keeping up with everything. So we get something that helps us out, and she gets something she wants, too.
I have to say... I really like the idea of her being there. In my home. Not far, far away, but just right there.
I like to take long baths, soaking and reading. I like to have that time alone to relax.
...Unfortunately, my son doesn't think I should be alone. He likes to come in and keep me company so I don't get lonely. (His words.) He offers me toys, and talks to me, and does various things that you would expect from a four-year-old who doesn't really want to sit around in silence while I read.
I came up with a solution. It allows me to enjoy my book, while not rejecting my son's attempt to spend time with me.
I read out loud.
Eventually, he gets bored of the book with no pictures, and wanders out. I don't lose book time attending to him. I don't get frustrated and upset with him. He doesn't walk out crying or angry. And, most importantly, I don't have to lock the door to the only bathroom in the house to get some relaxing done.