who am i?


Anjelle
Complicated

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Things I Write About
Processing
Quickie
Emotional
Events
Hubby
State of Mind
Love
K
Joy
Family
Something Silly
Blog Notes
BDSM
Friends
Lass
Bratling
Jae
Creative Writing
Tarot
P.vert
Arts & Crafts
Pagan/Witchery
Little
Monkey Love
History
Slowing Down
Poly

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Artwork Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

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Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I Swear (Lyrics)

I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky
and I swear like the shadow that's by your side

I see the questions in your eyes
I know what's weighing on your mind
You can be sure I know my part
Cause I'll stand beside you through the years
You'll only cry those happy tears
And though I make mistakes
I'll never break your heart

Chorus
And I swear by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there
I swear like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there
For better or worse
Till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear

I'll give you every thing I can
I'll build your dreams with these two hands
We'll hang some memories on the wall
And when just the two of us are there
You won't have to ask if I still care
Cause as time turns the page
My love won't age at all

And I swear by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there
I swear like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there

For better or worse
Till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear

And I swear by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there
I swear like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there

For better or worse
Till death do us part I'll love you
With every single beat of my heart
I swear

I love you. From now until forever.

Posted at 04:03 pm by Anjelle
Illuminate

Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Lessons

I haven't really had a lot to say, lately. I've been doing a lot of learning.

I've been dating a boy for over a month now, and he is becoming part of the family here. For the purposes of this blog, we'll call him 'Monkey.' Monkey is submissive, and after my last experience, I had a lot of concerns about whether I would be able to handle that or not. (It's very difficult for me to look at how that relationship failed and not view it as my failure. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't in control enough. I wasn't patient enough. I didn't understand her needs enough. You get the picture.)

I needn't have worried. Monkey is exactly what I work best with in a submissive partner. Ironically, he has the qualities that I was looking for in a female lover. He's playful, shy, silly, child-like, willing to work, vulnerable, sweet, emotionally and spiritually open, and a list of other things that I never thought I'd find in a man. Whatever whim of fate caused me to contact him in the first place, I am grateful for it.

I'm learning from Monkey. He shows me what it feels like to be trusted completely. I've learned that the slightest changes in body language can have a big impact. Interacting with him has taught me how to be a better submissive for Hubby. I can see more completely the amount of patience and self control that Hubby must have with me.

I'm learning from Hubby, too. He shows me how to take everyone's needs into account and make the best decision possible. His advice and opinions have made all the difference in my world. I quite honestly could not do this without him. He has experience that I don't have, and Monkey is similar enough to me that the experience is relevant more often than not.

Communication has flourished. Open, honest conversation is getting easier. I'm learning more about what triggers my defensive reactions. To some extent, those triggers are being avoided. More importantly, though, I'm recognizing what's going on earlier and pulling myself out of that rut. I'm not blocking my emotions, as I would have once. I am acknowledging how I feel without letting it rule my behavior.

I don't know for sure what the future holds. I do know that my dreams are closer than ever. And these lessons are the foundation for making a reality I couldn't have imagined.

Posted at 02:34 pm by Anjelle
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Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Being Little

It's been a long time since I've had anyone to play on the swings with. Oh, sure, I have a kid... but he just wants me to push him. (Higher, Mommy!) But I love swinging. The wind in my hair, the rocking motion, the height and freedom like flying.

Yesterday, I played on the swings with someone special to me. We went down the slide. When we came home, there was coloring and cartoons. I don't know how to explain how meaningful that is. How amazing. I loved him already, but if I hadn't, that would have done it. My heart is full.

This boy... Being with him makes me more me. My strength is stronger. My submission is more complete. And being little is... easier. More fun.

I have a best friend, and he's my same age.

Yay!

Posted at 09:33 am by Anjelle
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Wednesday, April 07, 2010
What Keeps Me Up At Night

Sleep is kind of important. I'm usually pretty good at it, too. But lately I've had a few nights where I just can't get my brain to stop running. I've tried meditation, but after about ten minutes, the thoughts come flooding back. I've tried writing, but what I really need is someone to talk to.

Hubby has been sick and grumpy, and not very receptive to chatting. My best friend can listen, but there are a lot of things going on that she doesn't really understand. It feels awkward to have my support system so tentative. It's not easy to earn my trust -- real trust that's more than just my laid-back and open style.

There's a new boy, and he is absolutely open to hearing my thoughts. I just don't know that I'm ready to be vulnerable like that. Besides which, half of the things I need advice on are things he is really not in a position to offer. And I do need advice. My fears are things which would not help him to know. They're just fears, not based in anything, so I cannot bring myself to worry him with them.

The thing is... I'm scared. I want so much, and I'm afraid of missing it. I don't want to lose what I have. I really care about this boy. What if I can't handle it? What if he can't, or hubby can't? It hurt so much to lose the Bratling... Even though I know it was in the best interest of everyone involved to let her go, it still hurts. I don't know that I could make that decision again. I don't know that I could let go of this boy, even if he needed it.

I want my family. I want my home, with room for everyone. I want to share my whole life with the people I have chosen.

I'm desperately afraid to lose them.

Posted at 09:36 am by Anjelle
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Friday, March 26, 2010
Polyamory

I realized today that there's not really much here about what it is, exactly, that I'm ultimately after in relationships. A few things, here and there, with regard to individuals. The broader view is a bit vague.

I wrote a while back about a friend saying my expectations are unrealistic. I disagree. All I expect is that my lovers can get along. A friendship between folks with common interests is not at all too much to expect. In fact, these relationships would not work at all if there were not an underlying friendship and compatibility among all parties.

I'm looking for a family. Not a family with someone else on the side -- a unified family. I don't expect it to be easy. Every relationship comes with problems. More relationships, more problems. The benefits are greater than the difficulties. Just as a parent does not love one child less than the other, I do not seek to place one relationship second to another. Every member of the family is sacred. Losing anyone hurts. I will work equally to meet all needs. I expect the same care and commitment from each partner, and I give back what I receive. And then some.

Hubby and I are in a pretty strong position to take on new relationships. We know our jealousy triggers. (Most of them. Growth and change means new discoveries.) This makes it easy for us to avoid those triggers. Contrary to popular belief, jealousy is usually not about other people. It's about something missing. I get jealous when I am not getting my needs met, and this has little to do with what Hubby may be doing with anyone else. I've been jealous of his work. I've been jealous of a dog. It's not about work, or the dog, but about what was missing in our relationship during those times.

I don't expect relationships where jealousy never rears it's head. I don't believe such relationships exist. I do expect that my partner(s) will not let it rule their decisions. When it comes up, we'll talk about it. As a team, we'll figure out what the problem is and how to fix it so that everyone is satisfied.

I have a lot of love to give. And, as I've recently become aware, I have needs that Hubby can't fill. Needs that neither of us would want him to even try to fill. I have a lot to offer to the right person. There's a big future ahead of us. A lifetime. That's what I'm looking for.

It's not for everyone. It works for us, though.

Posted at 02:27 pm by Anjelle
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