It's been a long time since I've had anyone to play on the swings with. Oh, sure, I have a kid... but he just wants me to push him. (Higher, Mommy!) But I love swinging. The wind in my hair, the rocking motion, the height and freedom like flying.
Yesterday, I played on the swings with someone special to me. We went down the slide. When we came home, there was coloring and cartoons. I don't know how to explain how meaningful that is. How amazing. I loved him already, but if I hadn't, that would have done it. My heart is full.
This boy... Being with him makes me more me. My strength is stronger. My submission is more complete. And being little is... easier. More fun.
Sleep is kind of important. I'm usually pretty good at it, too. But lately I've had a few nights where I just can't get my brain to stop running. I've tried meditation, but after about ten minutes, the thoughts come flooding back. I've tried writing, but what I really need is someone to talk to.
Hubby has been sick and grumpy, and not very receptive to chatting. My best friend can listen, but there are a lot of things going on that she doesn't really understand. It feels awkward to have my support system so tentative. It's not easy to earn my trust -- real trust that's more than just my laid-back and open style.
There's a new boy, and he is absolutely open to hearing my thoughts. I just don't know that I'm ready to be vulnerable like that. Besides which, half of the things I need advice on are things he is really not in a position to offer. And I do need advice. My fears are things which would not help him to know. They're just fears, not based in anything, so I cannot bring myself to worry him with them.
The thing is... I'm scared. I want so much, and I'm afraid of missing it. I don't want to lose what I have. I really care about this boy. What if I can't handle it? What if he can't, or hubby can't? It hurt so much to lose the Bratling... Even though I know it was in the best interest of everyone involved to let her go, it still hurts. I don't know that I could make that decision again. I don't know that I could let go of this boy, even if he needed it.
I want my family. I want my home, with room for everyone. I want to share my whole life with the people I have chosen.
I realized today that there's not really much here about what it is, exactly, that I'm ultimately after in relationships. A few things, here and there, with regard to individuals. The broader view is a bit vague.
I wrote a while back about a friend saying my expectations are unrealistic. I disagree. All I expect is that my lovers can get along. A friendship between folks with common interests is not at all too much to expect. In fact, these relationships would not work at all if there were not an underlying friendship and compatibility among all parties.
I'm looking for a family. Not a family with someone else on the side -- a unified family. I don't expect it to be easy. Every relationship comes with problems. More relationships, more problems. The benefits are greater than the difficulties. Just as a parent does not love one child less than the other, I do not seek to place one relationship second to another. Every member of the family is sacred. Losing anyone hurts. I will work equally to meet all needs. I expect the same care and commitment from each partner, and I give back what I receive. And then some.
Hubby and I are in a pretty strong position to take on new relationships. We know our jealousy triggers. (Most of them. Growth and change means new discoveries.) This makes it easy for us to avoid those triggers. Contrary to popular belief, jealousy is usually not about other people. It's about something missing. I get jealous when I am not getting my needs met, and this has little to do with what Hubby may be doing with anyone else. I've been jealous of his work. I've been jealous of a dog. It's not about work, or the dog, but about what was missing in our relationship during those times.
I don't expect relationships where jealousy never rears it's head. I don't believe such relationships exist. I do expect that my partner(s) will not let it rule their decisions. When it comes up, we'll talk about it. As a team, we'll figure out what the problem is and how to fix it so that everyone is satisfied.
I have a lot of love to give. And, as I've recently become aware, I have needs that Hubby can't fill. Needs that neither of us would want him to even try to fill. I have a lot to offer to the right person. There's a big future ahead of us. A lifetime. That's what I'm looking for.
I've been wondering lately if I'm really a good friend. I see the constant interaction on Facebook, and I don't understand why I'm not a part of that. Why don't I spend more time writing to the people I care about? Why is it so hard for me to call, or to make arrangements to get together?
Then I remember -- I don't know what to say. People write about their pain and suffering. I want to give hugs, and listen. How do I translate what I feel into a blurb of text? How do I let them feel heard, and understood, without trivializing what they are going through? Saying that I'd hug you is entirely different than doing it, and so I say nothing. When things for me are good, I don't want to brag. When they're bad, I don't want to complain. Small talk feels awkward and vaguely insulting. What does that leave me?
And I don't know what to do. I can't afford to go out for coffee with a different person every week. I don't know how to make myself heard in a group. Movies or other non-interaction feels like cheating.
I never learned this stuff. All of my friends came from places I went every day -- school first, then work. As the years have passed, what social skills I may have had withered. My mum did her best by me, but she never really had a social life until well after I moved out. Her friends were her family -- brothers and sisters and spouses -- and I am an only child.
I don't know what's too much. What's not enough? All I know is that when I love you, I love you forever. I know that I will do whatever is in my power to help a friend in need.
But who is going to call me for help, when I'm barely around the rest of the time?
I've had a lot of time to think, lately. I've had a lot of cause.
Recently, I opened my heart to the idea of a submissive male joining our family.
Hubby originally brought up the idea more than a year ago, but at the time I wasn't ready. I was recovering from the break-up of a two-year relationship, then trying to deal with the drama of dating a married couple. After that, I was happy to settle in with the girlfriend I'd had for a year and the husband I'd recently recovered. I was not at interested in anything serious outside of those two.
In focusing on that girl, I realized there was something inside of me I hadn't recognized before. I have a need for control. Not the violent, vehement sort of control one imagines, but a nurturing sort. I am not a sadist, but I enjoyed exploring the pain she desired. I would enjoy exploring more, on my own initiative.
It didn't work out with her, and now there is a void. I am burnt out on women. It seems any female I attempt to have an intimate relationship with ends up hurting me. Unintentional, mostly, but painful all the same. (Hubby says I'm intimidating. I don't really understand that, but I am going to try. I like women too much to allow my own flaws to interfere.) In considering this void, and what to do about it, I remembered my Husband's suggestion.
It has merit.
I have history of leading boys. I enjoyed the position of control -- bringing them to new knowledge in themselves and in love. I enjoy guiding. In a way, this aligns with my interests in psychology. The more I've thought on the matter, the more enthusiastic I've become.
Which just goes to show how well my Husband knows me. He is well suited to be the Master he has become to me. Well suited to guide and lead me. I could not be the person I am if it were not for him. He empowers me. He reminds me of my manners and my strength. He remembers when I forget. He understands when I do not. He is logical when my emotion overcomes me. He forgives me when I sometimes hesitate to forgive myself.
Above all, I have had a lot of time to think about this marriage. I could not do any of this without D. I would have fallen apart a dozen times by now. I know what I have to offer -- and I am confident in offering -- but I also know that my fears would not allow me to do so. While I may not always understand, or even agree with my Husband, I do know that he always has my best interest in mind.