How do I even begin to explain how much that means to me? Or the difference between what we will have, and a 'play' collar.
I will start by saying that it is the same one I asked for long ago. Same man. Same piece of metal. Wide, silver, a pretty pattern, and screws at the back that make taking it off an emergency-only situation. I'm glad that we waited, but I knew then what I wanted, and I still want it. I hope that we can get the one I want, but even if we end up with something else, it will be perfect. Because of what it means.
The ring on my finger is a symbol of our love for each other. Our commitment to a life together. Our promise to always respect each other.
The ring on my neck will be a symbol of another sort, and yet, it is along the same vein. A visual and tactile reminder that I am his. For now, and for ever. It represents my trust in him. His responsibility for me. For us. My willingness to allow whatever he wishes. His own willingness to nurture that in me, and not abuse or misuse it. Our collar is a symbol that we are everything. He is everything to me, has everything of me, and gives to me in like.
We are not perfect. We make mistakes with each other. We stumble, and fall apart, each in our own ways. However, we are dedicated to working together. Supporting as best we can when one is unable. Working to understand. Most importantly, we are determined to stay together, even when it hurts, because we know that together it will get better.
For different people, a collar may mean different things.
We -- D and I -- distinguish between a permanent collar, and a play collar. A play collar is a sturdy piece that can be used for fun things, like leading one around, or securing to something solid. It is just for fun, and doesn't mean much beyond the fact that the one wearing it is the one submitting or 'bottoming' at that time. It means that time belongs to him. We have one, and I adore it. (It's purple! Lined with red! How could I do any less that love it?) A permanent collar, as the one I will be recieving, is more. It's a commitment, and a responsibility. For both of us.
I'm so proud to be the one he has chosen to bless in this way. So thrilled to be gifted with something so important, and so beautiful.
I've had a lot of up and down lately. Mostly down. I could tell you all about it, but I won't. No sense focusing on the negative.
I've been struggling with D. Or, perhaps more accurately, we've been struggling with each other. Drifting away. Withdrawing into our own thoughts and fears. It's really tough to come back from that.
We haven't had time for each other.
Last night was a step in the right direction. There's finally a hole in the wall.
Yesterday I felt so nasty, that I stayed home. Played with the boy. Tried to sew, but got angry and had to stop. Took a bath. Fought with a friend. Did some dishes. Glared at the washing machine for making the laundry so drippy. Baked.
In the end, we stayed up later than we should have. Kissing, talking, crying, coming back together. It's not fixed, by any stretch. But maybe we can make some more progress tonight.
He's sort of my sanity. It's pretty tough getting by without touching base there fairly often.