I am sorry for the loss of K in my life. I worry for him. I wonder. I hope, for his future. He is such a beautiful, beautiful man, and I wish for his life to reflect and enhance that beauty. He deserves it. I am sad that I could not be a part of it. I started feeling that I was doing more to frustrate and hold him back than I was to support growth. I won't live with myself that way. Growth is important.
I am bothered by the continued presence of the demon in my world. Not that he interacts with me personally. But he interacts with folk I interact with, and I have run into him once or twice socially. This is notably uncomfortable for both of us. As time passes, I am less concerned with it. Still, it's an unpleasant sore spot.
I am alternately -- and often coincidingly -- worried and pleased by our relationships with Lass and Jae. They are good for us. I hope we are good for them. Both the individual interactions and as a whole.
The sugar doll (aka Bratling) has faded herself back into my life. There are... Oh, too many things going on there to even begin. I adore her. She adores me. Thats enough to know for this post, I think.
I have concerns, as mentioned yesterday, but also devotion.
I am grateful every day for the strong foundation that I have both in myself and in my primary relationship. We support each other. We care for each other. I was told the other day that we present an image of some sort of perfection and I was in awe. Over the weekend, I realized something amazing....
There is a blog that I have been reading for a while now. It's sort of been my... My dream. I want a life like that. A love like that. D/s, and family, and unshakable dedication to each other. I realized that we have that.
I hesitate to refer to D as 'Daddy' here, because of the association with K. Though he was Daddy long before K was a part of my life. He is my husband, my lover, my best friend, my confidante, my sparring partner, my sadist, and everything I ever dreamed or wished that he would let himself be. I look at how perfectly we are matched, and I am amazed that this is only the beginning. We are only just starting.
Sometimes... It hurts. And it's scary. And it's tough.
It's one of the toughest things around.
Love is feeling someone bristle at your concern.
Love is holding someone while they fight you, because they need to be held even if they don't want it. And you just need to hold them.
It's spilling your guts, knowing without question that what you're saying will hurt. It's knowing that, though there is pain, no one is leaving. It's staying, even while you cry.
Sometimes love means you fight. Not because you hate each other, or want to do harm, but because you are open to every part of each other. Even the parts that fit like two left shoes. Or maybe you're just mad at the world that day.
Sometimes you go to bed angry. Sometimes you stay up all night, because as soon as you manage to make up, and make amends, something else goes wrong.
Just remember that it's love. Remember that it hurts, and it's worth every second. Remember that happiness isn't smiling all the time.
Taking care of yourself. First.
Because if you expect someone else to do it for you, you're not going to get it. Because its fun to be suprised when you don't have to do it. Because you aren't much good to anyone when you're falling apart at the seams. Because you want to be the best, brightest star shining in their eye. (Or at least one of the few brightest.)
Trusting each other. Reaching out first. Taking that agonizing step out of the safety of your own mind, and into a world of together.
Learning to speak each other's language, instead of expressing your heart your own way. Understanding when they are expressing their heart, even when it's not the way you want to hear it.
There is so much more to love than romance, or falling. So much that you can't understand until you're there.
I'm exhausted. Halfway through Monday, and I still hadn't woken up. I'm not entirely sure what I did all morning. Considering the fact that I am at work, that's not a good thing. Thank goodness I'm only working the first half of this week.
I have been -- you may have noticed -- rather emotional lately. Going through some things, personally, that are not easy. Growing pains, if you like. Lots of stress. The weekend should have been a time to enjoy my husband and continue healing. Unfortunately, he wasn't available.
Not that he wasn't around, mind you. Physically, he was very present. But the rest of him was otherwise occupied. He suffers a similar problem to what I have been battling. Too busy taking care of everyone else to pay attention to his own needs. It makes him (and me) rather useless to those who need us. It's unfortunate that we are having this trouble at the same time.
Not that the weekend was miserable. Far from it! There were some very enjoyable activities. I got a lot done on a project I am excited about. We pulled up the horrible, disgusting carpet in the livingroom and now we can enjoy (mostly) the wood floor beneath. Friends visited for a bbq.
Just that... It was lonely. At a time where I deeply need attention.
I am looking forward to our long weekend. I need it. I need to get away from the world for a while. I'm trying really hard not to put too much weight on this one weekend. I know that I tend to get my hopes up, and then be disappointed when things don't measure up to my dreaming.