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Anjelle
Complicated

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credits
designed by: els
edited by:
BLOGDRIVE
TEMPLATES

Blue Confusion - from blogskins
Artwork Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I Love You

Love.

It's not all rainbows and fairy tales.

Sometimes... It hurts. And it's scary. And it's tough.

It's one of the toughest things around.

Love...

Love is feeling someone bristle at your concern.

Love is holding someone while they fight you, because they need to be held even if they don't want it. And you just need to hold them.

It's spilling your guts, knowing without question that what you're saying will hurt.
It's knowing that, though there is pain, no one is leaving.
It's staying, even while you cry.

Sometimes love means you fight. Not because you hate each other, or want to do harm, but because you are open to every part of each other. Even the parts that fit like two left shoes. Or maybe you're just mad at the world that day.

Sometimes you go to bed angry. Sometimes you stay up all night, because as soon as you manage to make up, and make amends, something else goes wrong.

Just remember that it's love.
Remember that it hurts, and it's worth every second.
Remember that happiness isn't smiling all the time.

Love is...

Taking care of yourself. First.

Because if you expect someone else to do it for you, you're not going to get it.
Because its fun to be suprised when you don't have to do it.
Because you aren't much good to anyone when you're falling apart at the seams.
Because you want to be the best, brightest star shining in their eye. (Or at least one of the few brightest.)

Trusting each other. Reaching out first. Taking that agonizing step out of the safety of your own mind, and into a world of together.

Learning to speak each other's language, instead of expressing your heart your own way.
Understanding when they are expressing their heart, even when it's not the way you want to hear it.

There is so much more to love than romance, or falling. So much that you can't understand until you're there.

I wish I could explain.


Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I'm Feeling...

Too emotional to write.

Too worked up.

Too annoyed at various piddly little things.

 

I really just want to smack you. All of you. Any of you. People I don't even know. I look at your stupid, smiling, happy face and I want to claw at it.

Go away.


Posted at 11:28 am by Anjelle
Illuminate

Monday, February 09, 2009
Thoughts

I'm exhausted. Halfway through Monday, and I still hadn't woken up. I'm not entirely sure what I did all morning. Considering the fact that I am at work, that's not a good thing. Thank goodness I'm only working the first half of this week.

I have been -- you may have noticed -- rather emotional lately. Going through some things, personally, that are not easy. Growing pains, if you like. Lots of stress. The weekend should have been a time to enjoy my husband and continue healing. Unfortunately, he wasn't available.

Not that he wasn't around, mind you. Physically, he was very present. But the rest of him was otherwise occupied. He suffers a similar problem to what I have been battling. Too busy taking care of everyone else to pay attention to his own needs. It makes him (and me) rather useless to those who need us. It's unfortunate that we are having this trouble at the same time.

Not that the weekend was miserable. Far from it! There were some very enjoyable activities. I got a lot done on a project I am excited about. We pulled up the horrible, disgusting carpet in the livingroom and now we can enjoy (mostly) the wood floor beneath. Friends visited for a bbq.

Just that... It was lonely. At a time where I deeply need attention.


I am looking forward to our long weekend. I need it. I need to get away from the world for a while. I'm trying really hard not to put too much weight on this one weekend. I know that I tend to get my hopes up, and then be disappointed when things don't measure up to my dreaming.


Posted at 04:22 pm by Anjelle
Illuminate

Re-Evaluating

Sorry for the akward break, there. I tend not to post on weekends anyway, and I wanted to put away recent entries without deleting them.

I needed to think.

I find that I have been writing while upset. Then, as I think more, I go back and edit my writing. Or delete it and write something else. Unfortunately, if it's already been read before my thoughts were finalized, there's nothing I can do about it.

So I took the weekend to finalize thoughts. To edit words written in the heat of the moment. And to find a place in myself that allows me to think calmly.

In other news....

The new artwork is still Stephanie's. I shuffled my deck, and pulled the Three of Pentacles. This is her version, and as lovely as her other works. A common theme for this card is Teamwork. Co-operation toward a common goal.

(Our current goals are relational, rather than practical, but nevermind. The card does reflect our need for grounding, so it's applicable.)

I am not yet entirely satisfied with the color scheme, but it was nice to make time to work on it. One of many things I have been missing.


Friday, February 06, 2009
Upset

Turbulent. Tempestuous. Tumultuous.

Agitated. Hectic. Restless. Disturbed. Distressed. Flustered. Frustrated.

Everything is spinning. I feel like throwing up.

I'm so out of it from this that even thoughts in my own head are upsetting me. I've been grumpy all morning because the first thing I thought when I woke up was about taking care of someone else. I lay there, arguing with myself, trying to decide whether I should do it or not.

"I should."
"But then I might be late."
"Nah, I have time."
"Only if I skip other things I wanted to do for me!"
"But this is more important than make-up."
"Someone else can do it, if it's important."
"Goddamnit, why am I still laying here arguing with myself? I need a shower!"

So I told myself I would decide later, if I had time. I didn't have time. It doesn't matter. I need to fix my head.

It's not that it bothers me to do things for people. It makes me supremely happy to do things for people. Even if they don't know that I've done it. What bothers me is that it's coming at the expense of doing things for myself.

Hubby was an angel, and made last night all about us. It was perfect. Beautiful. If I didn't think the world of him already, I certainly would have after that. I need him. I need us.

I know that it's just me, and I shouldn't take it out on anyone else. I can't seem to help it right now. I want to slap anybody who lets me know they need anything. I want to push everyone away. I want to throw a kicking, screaming tantrum.

I'm holding it all in. Because more than I want anything, I want the people I love to be safe. Even from me.


Posted at 09:28 am by Anjelle
Illuminate

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