I'm exhausted. Halfway through Monday, and I still hadn't woken up. I'm not entirely sure what I did all morning. Considering the fact that I am at work, that's not a good thing. Thank goodness I'm only working the first half of this week.
I have been -- you may have noticed -- rather emotional lately. Going through some things, personally, that are not easy. Growing pains, if you like. Lots of stress. The weekend should have been a time to enjoy my husband and continue healing. Unfortunately, he wasn't available.
Not that he wasn't around, mind you. Physically, he was very present. But the rest of him was otherwise occupied. He suffers a similar problem to what I have been battling. Too busy taking care of everyone else to pay attention to his own needs. It makes him (and me) rather useless to those who need us. It's unfortunate that we are having this trouble at the same time.
Not that the weekend was miserable. Far from it! There were some very enjoyable activities. I got a lot done on a project I am excited about. We pulled up the horrible, disgusting carpet in the livingroom and now we can enjoy (mostly) the wood floor beneath. Friends visited for a bbq.
Just that... It was lonely. At a time where I deeply need attention.
I am looking forward to our long weekend. I need it. I need to get away from the world for a while. I'm trying really hard not to put too much weight on this one weekend. I know that I tend to get my hopes up, and then be disappointed when things don't measure up to my dreaming.
Sorry for the akward break, there. I tend not to post on weekends anyway, and I wanted to put away recent entries without deleting them.
I needed to think.
I find that I have been writing while upset. Then, as I think more, I go back and edit my writing. Or delete it and write something else. Unfortunately, if it's already been read before my thoughts were finalized, there's nothing I can do about it.
So I took the weekend to finalize thoughts. To edit words written in the heat of the moment. And to find a place in myself that allows me to think calmly.
In other news....
The new artwork is still Stephanie's. I shuffled my deck, and pulled the Three of Pentacles. This is her version, and as lovely as her other works. A common theme for this card is Teamwork. Co-operation toward a common goal.
(Our current goals are relational, rather than practical, but nevermind. The card does reflect our need for grounding, so it's applicable.)
I am not yet entirely satisfied with the color scheme, but it was nice to make time to work on it. One of many things I have been missing.
I'm so out of it from this that even thoughts in my own head are upsetting me. I've been grumpy all morning because the first thing I thought when I woke up was about taking care of someone else. I lay there, arguing with myself, trying to decide whether I should do it or not.
"I should." "But then I might be late." "Nah, I have time." "Only if I skip other things I wanted to do for me!" "But this is more important than make-up." "Someone else can do it, if it's important." "Goddamnit, why am I still laying here arguing with myself? I need a shower!"
So I told myself I would decide later, if I had time. I didn't have time. It doesn't matter. I need to fix my head.
It's not that it bothers me to do things for people. It makes me supremely happy to do things for people. Even if they don't know that I've done it. What bothers me is that it's coming at the expense of doing things for myself.
Hubby was an angel, and made last night all about us. It was perfect. Beautiful. If I didn't think the world of him already, I certainly would have after that. I need him. I need us.
I know that it's just me, and I shouldn't take it out on anyone else. I can't seem to help it right now. I want to slap anybody who lets me know they need anything. I want to push everyone away. I want to throw a kicking, screaming tantrum.
I'm holding it all in. Because more than I want anything, I want the people I love to be safe. Even from me.
I like it when he opens up to me. When he doesn't try so hard to hide all the soft places inside.
I'm not going anywhere.
This thing that we are building -- all of us -- isn't easy. But it's more than good for me. We have made a lot of progress in a short time. I think we can all see that. I don't know what struggles or obstacles are yet to come.
I get to putting everyone's needs ahead of my own. And, of course, they usually don't see that because I don't say anything. I just do it. I make everyone else so important that my own needs don't get met.
I fall apart. Every little thing sets me off. The tiniest mention of anyone else's need or desire freaks me out. I want to scream...
IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!!
When the fact of it is, I've made it all about them. Not by any request of their own, but just by working myself into that mindset. I get all frustrated and anxious, and I do it to myself.