I'm so out of it from this that even thoughts in my own head are upsetting me. I've been grumpy all morning because the first thing I thought when I woke up was about taking care of someone else. I lay there, arguing with myself, trying to decide whether I should do it or not.
"I should." "But then I might be late." "Nah, I have time." "Only if I skip other things I wanted to do for me!" "But this is more important than make-up." "Someone else can do it, if it's important." "Goddamnit, why am I still laying here arguing with myself? I need a shower!"
So I told myself I would decide later, if I had time. I didn't have time. It doesn't matter. I need to fix my head.
It's not that it bothers me to do things for people. It makes me supremely happy to do things for people. Even if they don't know that I've done it. What bothers me is that it's coming at the expense of doing things for myself.
Hubby was an angel, and made last night all about us. It was perfect. Beautiful. If I didn't think the world of him already, I certainly would have after that. I need him. I need us.
I know that it's just me, and I shouldn't take it out on anyone else. I can't seem to help it right now. I want to slap anybody who lets me know they need anything. I want to push everyone away. I want to throw a kicking, screaming tantrum.
I'm holding it all in. Because more than I want anything, I want the people I love to be safe. Even from me.
I like it when he opens up to me. When he doesn't try so hard to hide all the soft places inside.
I'm not going anywhere.
This thing that we are building -- all of us -- isn't easy. But it's more than good for me. We have made a lot of progress in a short time. I think we can all see that. I don't know what struggles or obstacles are yet to come.
I get to putting everyone's needs ahead of my own. And, of course, they usually don't see that because I don't say anything. I just do it. I make everyone else so important that my own needs don't get met.
I fall apart. Every little thing sets me off. The tiniest mention of anyone else's need or desire freaks me out. I want to scream...
IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!!
When the fact of it is, I've made it all about them. Not by any request of their own, but just by working myself into that mindset. I get all frustrated and anxious, and I do it to myself.
I don't remember when I wrote it. I do know that the last time it was posted here was October of 2005. Just before our first wedding anniversary.
Now I have scars healing to match the words.
Funny that it took that time apart to bring us to where I always dreamed we could be.
This is a slightly edited version, for my own sense of flow. It still doesn't sit quite right in the first half, but I'm trying to leave the artist aside for a moment. The idea is more important than the movement.
I want to scream cry laugh fall bite fuck kick yell dance fight live die I want passion. I want explosions in my head -- in my heart.
Spank me. Shake me. Love me. Hate me. Kiss me. Cut me. Run your fingers gently through my hair and then give it a tug that puts fire in my scalp, because I need you.
I need you.
Pull my bones apart, and make a wish.
Make a wish, Love. That star will travel to forever, and beyond. For you. For us.