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Anjelle
Complicated

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Blue Confusion - from blogskins
Artwork Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

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Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Life as a Spiral

I don't remember when I wrote it. I do know that the last time it was posted here was October of 2005. Just before our first wedding anniversary.

Now I have scars healing to match the words.

Funny that it took that time apart to bring us to where I always dreamed we could be.

This is a slightly edited version, for my own sense of flow. It still doesn't sit quite right in the first half, but I'm trying to leave the artist aside for a moment. The idea is more important than the movement.

I want to
scream
cry
laugh
fall
bite
fuck
kick
yell
dance
fight
live
die
I want passion. I want explosions in my head --
in my heart.

Spank me.
Shake me.
Love me.
Hate me.
Kiss me.
Cut me.
Run your fingers gently through my hair and then give it a tug that puts fire in my scalp, because I need you.

I need you.

Pull my bones apart, and make a wish.

Make a wish, Love. That star will travel to forever, and beyond. For you. For us.


Posted at 03:35 pm by Anjelle
Illuminate

Re-Working the Foundation

There aren't many people in this world that I trust absolutely. Most of them I expect to fade away. Run away. Slip away. (Is this the cause or the result of how terrible I am at keeping in touch?)

I've said before that when I love, it's forever. I care about people that I shouldn't even think about any more. I think of them, and wonder if they're ok. (In some cases I know they're not, and I wish them growth and healing.)

I'm scared, though. Always afraid that those closest to me will leave. There are some -- very few -- that I have faith in, but still doubt creeps in when I am weak. I still worry that I might do or say or be the wrong thing, and it will be over. I will be alone. (You'd think with all of the stupid things I've done that they've stuck it through, I'd be a little more confident.)

Somewhere along the way, I got severely screwed up. Somehow, someone convinced me that I had to be perfect to deserve love.

It's hard work undoing that lesson.


Monday, February 02, 2009
Daily

There is power in words. We. Our. Us.

We both say those things so much more than we once did. Not mine. Not yours. Not one or the other. Together. I notice it.


Friday, January 30, 2009
Contrast

As much as my personal spaces tend toward clutter and general disaster, some of you may find this statement a bit shocking...

Organizing makes me happy.

I've spent a good portion of my work-day clearing off a section of our office. Getting rid of things, sorting out, bundling, and re-claiming the area as usable space. It seems to collect junk.

It makes me feel good. To watch this small table go from frightening to fantastic. To know that I did it.

I was getting sick of data entry, so... I took a break and did something useful, but pleasurable.


Thursday, January 29, 2009
Post Script

I am having a rediculously good time with the comments on 'Good Morning, Sunshine.'

I was disappointed for a moment, thinking there wouldn't be more, but... I checked just now, and got another! Hurrah!

I think something is wrong with me, that I'm getting this much amusement out of it. It is honestly (not sarcastically) uplifting in a trying time. Go figure.


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