I haven't really had a lot to say, lately. I've been doing a lot of learning.
I've been dating a boy for over a month now, and he is becoming part of the family here. For the purposes of this blog, we'll call him 'Monkey.' Monkey is submissive, and after my last experience, I had a lot of concerns about whether I would be able to handle that or not. (It's very difficult for me to look at how that relationship failed and not view it as my failure. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't in control enough. I wasn't patient enough. I didn't understand her needs enough. You get the picture.)
I needn't have worried. Monkey is exactly what I work best with in a submissive partner. Ironically, he has the qualities that I was looking for in a female lover. He's playful, shy, silly, child-like, willing to work, vulnerable, sweet, emotionally and spiritually open, and a list of other things that I never thought I'd find in a man. Whatever whim of fate caused me to contact him in the first place, I am grateful for it.
I'm learning from Monkey. He shows me what it feels like to be trusted completely. I've learned that the slightest changes in body language can have a big impact. Interacting with him has taught me how to be a better submissive for Hubby. I can see more completely the amount of patience and self control that Hubby must have with me.
I'm learning from Hubby, too. He shows me how to take everyone's needs into account and make the best decision possible. His advice and opinions have made all the difference in my world. I quite honestly could not do this without him. He has experience that I don't have, and Monkey is similar enough to me that the experience is relevant more often than not.
Communication has flourished. Open, honest conversation is getting easier. I'm learning more about what triggers my defensive reactions. To some extent, those triggers are being avoided. More importantly, though, I'm recognizing what's going on earlier and pulling myself out of that rut. I'm not blocking my emotions, as I would have once. I am acknowledging how I feel without letting it rule my behavior.
I don't know for sure what the future holds. I do know that my dreams are closer than ever. And these lessons are the foundation for making a reality I couldn't have imagined.