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Anjelle
Complicated

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Wednesday, April 07, 2010
What Keeps Me Up At Night

Sleep is kind of important. I'm usually pretty good at it, too. But lately I've had a few nights where I just can't get my brain to stop running. I've tried meditation, but after about ten minutes, the thoughts come flooding back. I've tried writing, but what I really need is someone to talk to.

Hubby has been sick and grumpy, and not very receptive to chatting. My best friend can listen, but there are a lot of things going on that she doesn't really understand. It feels awkward to have my support system so tentative. It's not easy to earn my trust -- real trust that's more than just my laid-back and open style.

There's a new boy, and he is absolutely open to hearing my thoughts. I just don't know that I'm ready to be vulnerable like that. Besides which, half of the things I need advice on are things he is really not in a position to offer. And I do need advice. My fears are things which would not help him to know. They're just fears, not based in anything, so I cannot bring myself to worry him with them.

The thing is... I'm scared. I want so much, and I'm afraid of missing it. I don't want to lose what I have. I really care about this boy. What if I can't handle it? What if he can't, or hubby can't? It hurt so much to lose the Bratling... Even though I know it was in the best interest of everyone involved to let her go, it still hurts. I don't know that I could make that decision again. I don't know that I could let go of this boy, even if he needed it.

I want my family. I want my home, with room for everyone. I want to share my whole life with the people I have chosen.

I'm desperately afraid to lose them.

Posted at 09:36 am by Anjelle



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