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Anjelle
Complicated

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Thursday, June 18, 2009
Toward the Sun

I'm not sure how to say this... I'll put it the best that I can.

I will not settle. I will not lay back and take what is given to me if it is less than what I need or want. It won't happen.

That means something different than it once might have. Once, it would have meant that when things got too tough, or my demands weren't being met soon enough for my liking... I would have walked away.

Isn't that another kind of settling, though? Walking away from D is settling for being alone, rather than fighting for what I really want. I want my marriage. I want my husband. The only things keeping me from that are the fears and doubts that I carry with me. Most of them have nothing to do with him, and are based on my experiences before he even came along.

I'm not letting fear win. I'm not letting doubt keep me from everything I've ever wanted.

I've been working hard at getting myself to a place where that won't happen. It's amazing to realize that the biggest thing holding me back is simply myself. I have even had a quote up at work, where I will see it every single day.

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -- Vincent van Gogh

Commitment. I would never have admitted to it before -- and this is because I truly did not believe it -- but all this time I have lacked commitment. In the back of my mind was always the thought that if it didn't work out, I could leave. Well, I've proven that I can. It's possible. It's not what I want. I never want to be apart from Hubby ever again. Leave? No. I don't think so. Not willingly.

When things aren't working out, I look at myself. What am I doing? What could I try to make it work better? Have I actually voiced my needs? If so, was I clear about it? Is the answer 'no, never' or is it just 'no' right now? If I ask later, or in a different way, will it be different? Am I forgetting something important?

It's never just him. It's not just me, either, but there's only one of us that I can fix. And, usually, if I fix myself then he can fix himself and not be so caught up on fixing me that nothing gets done. We have to be selfish together. It's a fine line between being selfish as one, and being selfish alone.

We are not perfect. We're learning.

Growing. Together.

Posted at 03:25 pm by Anjelle



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