I am fully expecting that some day, maybe not too far in the future, one of you is going to force me to decide which is more important. I will find myself in a situation where it's "him or me," and honestly, I don't know which I would choose. I don't want to have to choose. I need you both.
It's frustrating to feel that I would do anything in my power for either one of you, knowing that at some point doing for one will conflict with doing for the other.
I know that D understands just how much K means to me. And he has not only supported me, but encouraged me in that area. Not in a way that makes me feel that he wants to send me off to someone else, but in a way that shows he cares about me and what makes me happy.
I am not nearly as certain about K. The reason is partly my fault, I know. I have limited how much I talk about D. Even here, this blog, I haven't felt a need to write about that part of my life. Subconsciously, I suppose, I've been holding back. I'm scared as hell that K will take it poorly. Though he knows of -- and, indeed, we discussed it prior to the beginning -- my dating and sleeping with D. He knows of the amount of time that we've been spending together. I've held back the depth of it, for fear that it would damage the small bit of world we have for ourselves.
The truth is, if I could spend three days a week with each of them, and take the final for myself, or friends, or anything, I would be in bliss.